no outfit today. just a reminder to myself and everyone else, i suppose.

your relationships are as good as what you put into them. not as good as what you expect to get out of them.

so i'm putting away a lot of things to pull from my guts to put more things in.


thats all.

-xo

i miss feeling secure in my position.

this is something that i can't seem to get over.


-xo

i need some sort of confirmation.

before you had told me i was the "one". so i never felt like at any moment i was going to simply walk off the edge and fall endlessly into, well nothing.

now i have no words. all i have is a daily revolving door of uncertainty and high hopes. maybe thats why i'm so nervous. because what i know, you don't. and i don't know what to do to help you feel the same. or more realistically, just make myself deal with it.

and i know that if what has happened now...4 times... happens again i think i will crack. place me on a 5150. i just need some string of words or sentences to make me feel more at ease.

keep my head from feeling so heavy.



-xo

i was born to tell you 'i love you.'



-xo

i forgot to repost my bulletin.

oh well.

check a few entries back to see it. it still stands. i feel like i am getting closer to my personally set (mounted, nailed, and 'fussed with') finish line ribbon. but in case my feet lose momentum or, god forbid, someone sticks their foot out in front of me again and trips me, i need to keep it in mind.
there is always an escape route.
but its up to the escapee to make it easily accessible. and for me, this is about as extreme and easy as i can make it.

and yes, there are times when i look at you and know that even if things stayed at the pace they are for the next few months i would still put my plan aside just to wait things out, i guess. but i'm on eggshells more than i am solid ground. and until that changes...


this is not to say i am not happy with how things are. because i am. overwhelmingly so. but we both know i really don't live in the moment... i live for the future. and the haunting fact that i am not where i hoped i would be right now with you has cause a little dysfunction in my brain. especially after... well... you know.


click your heels twice and think of me.



-xo

fingers are crossed so hard it hurts.

stephanie: keep your ultimatums at bay for the time being.


trying. trying. trying.



-xo

this is supposed to be one of those times when being in the gray is just easier.


but half of me is colored in, and the other half is slowly decomposing from the wait.
i could push and pull. or force answers.
but knowing that doing that will leave me where i am, or even push me backwards, anyway... it just doesn't seem logical.

sometimes words slip from lips. and gestures sneak out of arms. small reminders that what once was, is still there. no matter how deep its core is buried, it still exists. so i secretly tie colored ribbons around trees in hopes that maybe it will become a reminder of the positive. of what we should be hoping for. aiming after. i disguise them as other things. but i still hope you drive past them.

my plan for the end of fall still stands. whether or not it is standing as straight as it was when i first pulled it from my head is a question i can't answer. but i know that if what i know when i'm supposed to know it, is not something i want to, then i am going. i have to. this is my ultimatum that i am projecting on everyone, a few in particular.
what can i say... life is about choices. its a series of decisions that lead to a conclusion which holds more decisions that leads to a conclusion... you get it.



we'll see. i guess that is the moral of this.




-xo