run around, get dirty. make some bad decisions.

Ever wake up and realize exactly what day and time it is, and where you've been, come from, going to, need to be?

I feel like the past few weeks have been a rebellious blur. And last night cemented the fact that I cannot do much without someone passing judgment. This is the epitome of discovering that while the grass on the other side may be a tad bit greener- it is still full of bugs, crab grass, and dead spots. I haven't learned the hard way yet though. At least not in my eyes. Maybe that will come back to bite me. Again: these are all risks I am willing to take.

I am staying in tonight, needless to say. If you saw me you'd know exactly why. I lost my voice 3 days ago, and it's still in and out. I have been so sick and sorta refusing to let myself get better. I don't know why but I am testing it to see just how bad it can get. Man... can that statement be applied to other areas of my life or what?

My plan of disappearing is working for the most part except for this thing. I don't know what I thought I would get out of it. I think I have learned from past experiences that when people pick up and leave without notice that others, despite how they feel, tend to get a little nervous and worried. My goal is not to worry anyone... well maybe it is. I simply want people to know exactly what life would be like if you cut someone out. Most things seemed like a good idea, until you go through with them and spend most of your time in regret. My mind has changed a lot on this topic, but I always find myself falling asleep and waking up the same way: wondering if you're wondering if I'm wondering what you're wondering. I guess we'll see.

There are 100 things I want to do this summer, and I hope that I don't do them alone. I plan on spending that one solid month I have without school on a towel, on the beach, asleep. Last summer this was a plan him and I came up with, but it never happened. I'm doing it this summer. I always feel like the chances I will die tomorrow get greater with each day that it doesn't happen. So I at least want to go out with a good tan and salt crusted hair.

"I spent most of last night dragging this lake for the corpses of all my past mistakes. Sell me out, the jokes on you. I am salt and you are the wound. Empty another bottle, and let me tear you to pieces. This is me wishing you into the worst situations. I'm the kind of the kid that can't let anything go. But you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat. Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears, rather ones that just don't care. Cause I know, that you're in between arms somewhere. Next to heart beats where you shouldn't dare sleep. Now I'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me. Take your taste back, peel back your skin. And try to forget how it feels inside. You should try saying no once in a while."


-xo