run around, get dirty. make some bad decisions.

Everyday now I am asked how I am doing.
My general response, whether typed or spoken, starts with "um". More or less I am evaluating who I am talking to, what they know, what I want them to know, and more importantly exactly how at that moment I am feeling. Most people just give a general "good, and you?". I can't anymore. I have to think of everything that happened that day. Whether or not I really slept the night before. How hard it was to get up that morning. If I remembered to put on deodorant and what exactly I forgot to toss into my jumbled school bag before I left the house. Most often if asked my response will then continue, "you know. good. I guess." I don't know why I say "you know." Maybe because I know they don't. But I do know that they are in on what is going on in my life, and therefore have an assumption already to go. A usually correct assumption I should say. I say good, because if I say bad then I have to explain. And explaining anything associated with the one thing that is bad in my life right now makes me cry on the spot. The I guess is genuine. For the most part, I guess I am good.
On my way home today I was thinking about a month or so ago. When asked how I was I wanted to burst and say "my life is amazing". My five year plan looked like it was going to actually come through. I had the man I knew (and still know -- even if you and your army wants to think I am crazy) I was going to marry, my family is amazing, school is going as well as it could right now, and I was surrounded by friends who cared, really cared. I was thinking about how I should have said that more. I should have told more people that my life was amazing. Things were exactly how I always wanted them to be. How I could not think of anything at all that I needed at any given moment. And even though I was taught in a critical thinking class that there is no such thing as a slippery slope... well I would have to argue different now.
When the person who you put all of your heart and soul into just leaves without fair warning, everything around you just starts to... melt. The friends you made with that person in the end owe more loyalty to him than to you. Therefore they leave with him. The overwhelming happiness you felt when you talked to that person everyday is now gone. The stuff that was made enjoyable (no matter how miserable it actually was) because of this person now really is completely unbearable. You wake up wondering every negative thing you can about what they could be doing, and go to bed the same way. And in turn when you think about whether or not your life is amazing anymore, you cannot come up with a list short enough to answer the fact that it isn't.
It is in my most humble opinion that I say all of this. But I cannot stand being told that I am young. There are fish in the sea, and maybe you'll find someone better are things I don't want to hear. I know... they are words that are meant for encouragement. Thanks. But no thanks. Especially cannot stand when my mom says after a dinner out, "Skye, our waiter was cute!" Thanks mom. Really.
I pray more than I did before. And if you know me, you know that I don't talk about this stuff. Religion is something I keep to myself. But really, I have been praying so hard. For help. For guidance. For things to go quicker. Because even though no one believes me again, I KNOW that this will change in my favor. This is not me reading into text messages from him. This is not me hanging by wishful thinking. This is me knowing, with my whole heart and gut that its going to be like it was a few months ago in no time. Do I ever doubt this? Yes. But then I just compare the things that happened last time to the things that are happening last time. The same things are being said, the same actions are being taken. Maybe I am kidding myself. I don't know.
All of this though, is how my brain is working lately. Back and forth. I have never been so up and down in moods since before I left to the hippies last spring. And I have been plotting an escape. I secretly keep all my clothes washed just in case it turns into a "too much to handle" situation, and I can jump in my car and leave. Because lately I really just hate being around myself. I've become a shell of something I used to love. I'm filled with this desperate, lonely, unfortunate goo. I check my phone every 5 minutes. I walk up the stairs to my front door shaking just hoping to see him standing there. It's sad. It's disgusting. And it's tragic. I can't stand it. I can't stand me. I wish I could leave myself behind like everyone does. If it is something that is so easy for them, then it's unfair that I can't do it too. (oh. so. tragic.)
Maybe what I really wanted to say out of all of this is, I'm good... you know. I mean I guess I am ok. Ask me again in 5 minutes though, and that may be different. I just hope this all isn't a pipe dream. Even if it is, it is...he is...YOU are (if you even read this, I don't know) still the one thing in my life worth fighting for.
Maybe it is wishful thinking. If so, here's to living in my own head for a while.

-xo