run around, get dirty. make some bad decisions.

i am not sure anymore.
somedays i think about the people i have met and everything they have offered me and i feel so lucky. the things i have been told, the stuff that has happened the past 2 weeks has really changed my outlook on what i expect in life. it's crazy how a handful of people can make you feel like the world could stop and everything would still be ok. i worry about the new wearing off though. i guess we will see.
but this comment, "i like the person you are without me, better than the person you are with me." has solidified so much for me. people will always like the idea of me better than actually being with me. i should have come to terms with this before now. but when he said that in my car that night i knew for sure. i get it now. so when boys want to hold my hand and tell me nice things, i know that it will end there. because the minute they try anything else emotionally, they'll realize, "i like who she is solo, than who she is connected." i should hate you for ruining every hope i ever had. but then again, i guess you really summed me up. no one will ever love me like i love them. you have confirmed that. so i have given up on it. i tell people i will never get married because i am convinced no one will ever love me. i am an impossible lady to be with.
for now, all i plan on doing is going with the flow of things. i refuse to take anything any one has tried to charm me with seriously. it's all bullshit until they can't sleep at night like me. i have what i need, which is myself. i am not a stupid girl. and if anyone thinks they can get me to fall for something, they can think again. i've been there done that, really.
looking through the photos of the past weekend i feel very lucky. but i am also keeping my guard up (despite events which will go unspoken about. because really, they were big mistakes. mistakes don't always have to be regrets though). all these encounters have been, "you are everything i want, because you are everything i'm not" situations.
who really knows what happens now. about 4 weeks ago i thought i knew exactly how everything would pan out. really though, it has all become a pipe dream. and my fight for it has began to burn out. i am at a point where i plan on taking the sidelines. if you care for my opinion on anything you are going to have to seek me out. i quit trying. i just end up looking like an asshole in the end.
so here is to me confronting the truth, i guess.

"the whole truth and nothing but the truth, stop me if you've heard this one before. the whole truth, is nothing but a good excuse."


-xo