run around, get dirty. make some bad decisions.

I broke down.

For myself. For everything that has happened in the past 6 weeks. For you. For all of it. My mental capacity to juggle emotional bullshit is limited as of late.

I am reflecting a lot on the past few years and who I was, who I thought I was, who I am now, who I think I am now. The person I am today, as in today, tuesday, April 28th 2009, is an ok one. I feel like a girl with holes itching to find good sized patches though. I say everyday, "I feel like I am walking around with a hole in my chest." I can feel the cold air running right through me and it's overwhelming. I shiver more now than I did before. That is an honest fact. Maybe I've convinced myself that I really do have holes. Convinced, realized, come to terms with... you know. What's the first step of AA... admiting you have a problem. It works if you work it? I guess.

Most days I feel like I am in transition. Like the life I am currently living is only temporary until I get the one I want back. So when I see people I recently met I always think, "It's too bad I won't see them like this much longer..." Will that be self-fulling? I kind of hope not. I mean I do. I mean I don't. No I don't. But maybe...

My compulsions, ticks, and general crazy bits are much more calm lately. I don't know if my attitude has changed, or if I lack ambition. Maybe I lake concern? It could be the fact that I feel like there is no point in worrying about really anything. I try my best not care. Like I've said, "I could tell some stories about the past few weeks." Cause so much more shit has happened than I think you or anyone else could assume. And I kind of have put my heart on the train tracks tied down strong with lots of rope. And I keep meeting trains...

Honestly, I am not trying to set myself up for failure. Not intentionally. Maybe subconsciously. I don't know. I have reoccurring dreams of being hit head on by a drunk driver. I wake up in cold sweats with chest heaving breaths. It's dramatic. But I keep saying, the chances that I will die tomorrow get greater with every day that it doesn't happen. Is this fatalist? Probably. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself that I need to live that much harder. Does that make sense?

My life is a big maybe lately. I probably broke down for that. The fact that I have no facts. I can't say for sure anything about my life because I constantly feel like I am in transition. I am doing my best to play "avoid" because I told you not to talk to me unless it's for one of two reasons. Part of me knows that this probably means we will never talk again. Then I think that's crazy. Then I think I'm crazy for thinking it's crazy cause it's probably true. But then I have this feeling we will talk again next week. But I don't get my hopes up cause the chances are slim.

Ugh. Is this how people go crazy?

Maybe.



-xo