run around, get dirty. make some bad decisions.

"i told her, 'she is a total babe. help a guy out.' like way before i even knew you. it's like weird fate or something, i don't know."


tonight was weird. i'll be honest. fun and awkward and just strange.

i sorta feel like nothing is happening. i can't explain it. like when i wake up every morning that day is the only day that ever existed and everything else that may have happened before it, i have no clue about. it's comforting and also worrisome. i'm forgetting everything that ever made me happy and whole because all of it was attached to someone who won't even talk to me now. i am doing everything i can to be a normal 22 year old and i feel like i don't know how. i totally 100% forgot who i am. i don't know who i am. it's absolutely terrifying. and i think you of all people can relate to this so much. i think its where you are now. and i feel like i am looking for any poor sucker to help me become something they need and want me to be. i am too scared to take this journey right now. and i can't say i need someone to guide me, because that won't help. i have to do this alone. this is the first time i am able to admit it.

i have to be alone right now.

i hope to god someday i can look in the mirror and have a definition for me. and i hope you can too. then maybe we can meet up and share how fucked up everything was and how great it feels to be whole complete people again. maybe this day will be the day we both realize how much we need each other. not out of desperation, but out of love. nothing but love. for the right reasons. i know you sorta hope this too. no one can say right now though. here is what i told someone tonight: "wants and needs have become two very different things to me. and they should be. but i mean its beyond polar. if that is possible." i think he got it. maybe. probably not. oh well.

just do me one favor: keep reading this. when i see the hit counter go up its a bit comforting knowing maybe you wandered over here just to see if maybe i've said anything different. plus, i don't think it will hurt to read it. you don't have to reply but in your own head. that is pretty safe communication for the two of us right now, if you ask me. so, since you can't do anything else for me right now, at least do that. i think you owe me that much. if you agree make that hit counter go to 1205... or somewhere close. haha... thanks.


step one: do to yourself what you told others they were stupid for doing.
status: accomplished.




-xo