run around, get dirty. make some bad decisions.

my night in bullets:

- i was told i was not allowed to use my full first name anymore. mostly because i haven't earned it back after what happened. so i can be called "ste" "nie" or their current favorite "phhhh". i was also told that i could earn it back... which leads to:

- i was informed tonight that i could sleep with anyone in the car i wanted. not just the car, in the whole world. it was just all up to me being willing. is that good to know? i don't know. being told that men and women cannot be friends and the only reason most of them talk to me is because they find me attractive is a bit disheartening. on the up side, if i am ever desperate... no really though. i feel lost in all of this. i have been getting too much of the "hardcore truth" lately from people. i just want to melt in my seat from sadness every time someone tells me something that makes my stomach turn then follows up with that phrase. fuck the truth. give me everything coated in sugar and let me be. please.

- pretty sure i saw you. i was quickly grabbed as i gravitated your way. not sure if it was you. but the fact that someone stopped me and said "no. no. here is another drink." makes me think it probably was.

- that photo was removed for my safety and that is all you get to know. and i saw one of those guys tonight. he started going off on something and i just walked away. literally in the middle of his story i walked away. i could tell you snippets of what i was told, but i've been doing that the past few days and it means nothing now. i know it would hurt you, but you refuse to listen. and really, i don't care to hear about her anymore, to be very honest. i'm done with it. that is your mess now.

future and random:

- i plan on drinking until i can't walk tomorrow. its been a great week in a bad way. i may have gotten myself into a bit of a jam and i am currently doing everything i can to pull my head above water as far as that goes. in more ways than one, i feel like i am 16 again.

- i don't really know why you said you had a bad day, but if i had to take one guess i bet i would nail (who caused) it.

- i am sorta hoping that the cause of your bad day is making you realize exactly what you have done (i warned you. but i also said i wouldn't say i told you so...) this summer could have been your best. i have some of the best connections in san diego. we could have painted this town every color imaginable. you want to be a part of the party lifestyle? i think you passed on a great opprotunity for it (trust me PB is a nasty pit full of bullshit. you know the girls that go there and the guys too. i think you know them all better than you wanted to). not only to be doing so, but also to have a very attractive girl by your side while you do it. just my opinion though.



it's now 4am. time to sleep for 6 hours and prepare for a repeat.


i would leave you with some song lyrics, but i am feeling like that avenue has been exhausted too. i'm done with the bullshit. at least for tonight.


signing off, doing my best not to be jaded.



-xo