run around, get dirty. make some bad decisions.

if i could say that i understood anything, then i wouldn't be here everyday trying to decipher the nothings i get.

I spend most of my time preoccupied with tweaking the person i have forced myself to become, rather than moving toward the person i want to be. it's sad to even say that i'm someone i don't know anymore. even though a little over a week ago i thought i had this figured out. this has me constantly questioning every single thing about every single thing. i hate that.

i'm not the girl i was, the girl i am is just venting.

i always thought that things gradually dissolved. and i am still not a fan of the reality slap that is things going from good to bad in a matter of a day. i don't believe it. but i have been forced to just live with it. that is another thing... there is no coping mechanism for any of this. there is no pill, no special food, nothing. its deal with it, or fuck off. i guess really its just fuck off, or fuck off. and that isn't fair to someone who is willing to put their all into something that just sucks and doesn't spit out anything in return. i don't give a shit about "its better to give then to receive" life is a big fat wide two way street, and if i am putting effort forth, i want it back in return. and i can't remember when the last time was that that happened.

i don't get it.



all i have to go off of now is myself. the fact that a word hasn't been spoken in 5 days, and that seems to be ok... well that says a lot. so i am taking myself, and once again dusting off and hoping for the best.

i still feel the same. my head is still in the same place i have just put that person on pause. but my life is a VHS, and pause stretches the tape and i am just starting to turn into melted plastic.

so this is day 5: repeat of days 1-3 and if i had updated for 4 it would be the same. i don't want to say i am waiting, because i can't. but that pause button is pushed in so hard that i may need a screwdriver to pop it out.


I'm gonna leave the same way I came up.
From the ashes then I'm from the ashes.
Then you, you could've fooled me.
I admit I was a fool for your southern days
(one-hundred and fifty degrees in the shade)
it wasn't an option to come back to my place
(no i was put in my place)

I don't worry half as much as I did.
When I was an experiment.
Your resident tourniquet.
Life's about how you're left waiting, just waiting.
I am the mantel and you're a painting.
(come rest your frame on me)



open the gate to your apartment complex.
you're not getting off that easily.
i'd climb the fence, the one that you've been sitting on.
How long before I'm just a memory?
How long before you can't remember me?





Remember me.

-xo