I only gave away two hearts last night...

Dear Tony and Jimmy,
Thanks for talking to a weirdo like me.


-xo

- I barely sleep anymore.

-I stay out too late.

- Somedays I feel like I am waiting for Jesus to come back.

- I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to wake up to that either.

- Trying really hard not to let myself fall.

- "I feel like I'll never fully understand you..." thank God I'm not alone.

- Most days I feel like I'm walking around with a hole in my chest.

- Everything is not ok, so it must not be the end.


-xo

my phone and i are in a sweet romance.
it allows me to text and call some pretty great people. it also allows me in turn, to receive some of the best messages.

thank you phone. who needs a boyfriend when i have you?

(oh man....)


-xo

today sucked.
from the moment i woke up i knew nothing was right.

some good words kept me from pulling the covers over my head and screaming i quit.



i need it to be thursday night at about 8pm right now.
thank you.


-xo



maybe i have lost hope.
i am just unwilling to let myself believe it yet.
i also think you are unwilling to let your heart lead.
there is no scientific method for this stuff, i hope you know.
think about everything you have said to me via text and IM the past few days.
are those the words/emotions of someone who wants to throw it all away?
survey says....

i am not sure anymore.
somedays i think about the people i have met and everything they have offered me and i feel so lucky. the things i have been told, the stuff that has happened the past 2 weeks has really changed my outlook on what i expect in life. it's crazy how a handful of people can make you feel like the world could stop and everything would still be ok. i worry about the new wearing off though. i guess we will see.
but this comment, "i like the person you are without me, better than the person you are with me." has solidified so much for me. people will always like the idea of me better than actually being with me. i should have come to terms with this before now. but when he said that in my car that night i knew for sure. i get it now. so when boys want to hold my hand and tell me nice things, i know that it will end there. because the minute they try anything else emotionally, they'll realize, "i like who she is solo, than who she is connected." i should hate you for ruining every hope i ever had. but then again, i guess you really summed me up. no one will ever love me like i love them. you have confirmed that. so i have given up on it. i tell people i will never get married because i am convinced no one will ever love me. i am an impossible lady to be with.
for now, all i plan on doing is going with the flow of things. i refuse to take anything any one has tried to charm me with seriously. it's all bullshit until they can't sleep at night like me. i have what i need, which is myself. i am not a stupid girl. and if anyone thinks they can get me to fall for something, they can think again. i've been there done that, really.
looking through the photos of the past weekend i feel very lucky. but i am also keeping my guard up (despite events which will go unspoken about. because really, they were big mistakes. mistakes don't always have to be regrets though). all these encounters have been, "you are everything i want, because you are everything i'm not" situations.
who really knows what happens now. about 4 weeks ago i thought i knew exactly how everything would pan out. really though, it has all become a pipe dream. and my fight for it has began to burn out. i am at a point where i plan on taking the sidelines. if you care for my opinion on anything you are going to have to seek me out. i quit trying. i just end up looking like an asshole in the end.
so here is to me confronting the truth, i guess.

"the whole truth and nothing but the truth, stop me if you've heard this one before. the whole truth, is nothing but a good excuse."


-xo

chris, me, and jimmy!!

me and chris.

love finding things on the internet.

-xo

on broadway..

my very good friend. on our way out! hi sean sean.

hi camera guy.

darrell alonzi. amazing photographer.

he should smile more.

hi chris.

at some points, i felt sorta like i was on the moon. thanks sean sean.

hi tony.

(this is chris, towards the end of the night. jason on sax. and a random hello from me and jimmy somewhere in the middle...)

my feet are killling me. and yes, that top was very see through in the back and kept me chilly. haha.

"stephanie, you know why guys like him keep coming up to you? cause you are cute, sweet, and so beautiful. really." i was told i was beautiful many times. this may sound like i'm full of it, but it felt so nice. really. thank you. i needed that statement, and a night like this so much.

i really am so lucky to have met these people. they are the most interesting, caring, and talented bunch i can think of. thank you guys, for letting me tag along and taking good care of me.

when i came home last night i fell asleep to the sun coming up. i am fucking tired. 8 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. home at 4-5am asleep and auto awake at 9.

sounds crazy. but it feels pretty good.


-xo