i love you so much i am going to break you in places you didn't even know existed.
i'm only good at getting worse at being better.

i would convince you that i'm bluffing. except that you know i have nothing.
so i shake at the possibility.
keep my eyes diverted.
i'm only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie.

my heart and my head are always at war.
but my mouth usually wins.
"at least we all know where we stand."

you could call it taking a stance on all of this. i hold out for the hope that you hope that i hope that this gets different. that i get dizzy.
that this rocking in my chest is the only thing keeping me busy.

swing at this and i will let you know ball or strike. kick or push. the only difference is whether or not to call it at all. the only chance for this is to make sure of it. they were always right though. what could anyone ever expect from a girl like me? i sit around waiting for a ball that doesn't exist to drop. for a knock on the door from a boy would could care less. careless. shameful.

in the end my colors dont match. matter of fact. and if i wanted i could do nothing about it. if you wanted you would ask.


she'll never give you what i can.
but i got money on that square that says you go back.



-xo

feel like im walking around with a sign on my back of some kind. every one i know wants to take me in, to pull me aside for that all important conversation where i figure me out- we pull out of perspective- maybe i dont want to figure me out. maybe every time you thank me, i feel like ive pulled the rug out from under you. every time you curse me, i quietly applaud because you know what? maybe youre right. maybe they all are. snag. hit a snag. always do. turn over a new leaf, fuck it turn over the whole tree. itll be a new day all the bodies hanging from the branches will be buried in beautiful ceremonies. and besides well finally have roots. something to dig in to. ive forgotten most everyone i ever cared for if they dont keep tabs on me. not saying that should come as much of a surprise its just me. i dont want to clear up any confusion. i dont want to clarify black or white, im totally entranced with the idea of remaining gray. and when it all slows down its just you in a room so dark you cant even tell how big it is. been asleep so long ive forgotten my name. stumble. the night has a plan. if not the night has a point: "if you cant remember it why would you ever miss the blur?" think of all the in-betweens. knuckles numb from the walls youve puched, knees buckling from all the legs youve loved. all the toasts weve made. all the hugs. blow past the exit sign. the exist sign. were ticking. were wicks sparking....


im getting you and im losing me
wed get legendary
but ive got a nomadic head
i love ya but ive caught the doom and the dread.



over and over.


-xo

what am i going to do when the best part of me was always you?


nights done. back to basics.


bullshit.


-xo

my night in bullets:

- i was told i was not allowed to use my full first name anymore. mostly because i haven't earned it back after what happened. so i can be called "ste" "nie" or their current favorite "phhhh". i was also told that i could earn it back... which leads to:

- i was informed tonight that i could sleep with anyone in the car i wanted. not just the car, in the whole world. it was just all up to me being willing. is that good to know? i don't know. being told that men and women cannot be friends and the only reason most of them talk to me is because they find me attractive is a bit disheartening. on the up side, if i am ever desperate... no really though. i feel lost in all of this. i have been getting too much of the "hardcore truth" lately from people. i just want to melt in my seat from sadness every time someone tells me something that makes my stomach turn then follows up with that phrase. fuck the truth. give me everything coated in sugar and let me be. please.

- pretty sure i saw you. i was quickly grabbed as i gravitated your way. not sure if it was you. but the fact that someone stopped me and said "no. no. here is another drink." makes me think it probably was.

- that photo was removed for my safety and that is all you get to know. and i saw one of those guys tonight. he started going off on something and i just walked away. literally in the middle of his story i walked away. i could tell you snippets of what i was told, but i've been doing that the past few days and it means nothing now. i know it would hurt you, but you refuse to listen. and really, i don't care to hear about her anymore, to be very honest. i'm done with it. that is your mess now.

future and random:

- i plan on drinking until i can't walk tomorrow. its been a great week in a bad way. i may have gotten myself into a bit of a jam and i am currently doing everything i can to pull my head above water as far as that goes. in more ways than one, i feel like i am 16 again.

- i don't really know why you said you had a bad day, but if i had to take one guess i bet i would nail (who caused) it.

- i am sorta hoping that the cause of your bad day is making you realize exactly what you have done (i warned you. but i also said i wouldn't say i told you so...) this summer could have been your best. i have some of the best connections in san diego. we could have painted this town every color imaginable. you want to be a part of the party lifestyle? i think you passed on a great opprotunity for it (trust me PB is a nasty pit full of bullshit. you know the girls that go there and the guys too. i think you know them all better than you wanted to). not only to be doing so, but also to have a very attractive girl by your side while you do it. just my opinion though.



it's now 4am. time to sleep for 6 hours and prepare for a repeat.


i would leave you with some song lyrics, but i am feeling like that avenue has been exhausted too. i'm done with the bullshit. at least for tonight.


signing off, doing my best not to be jaded.



-xo

---photo removed for my safety---



fuck my life. can i jump off now? i really really think i am done.



-xo

edited to add:i don't know why you had a bad day, but i think i have a good idea. you won't, but if you needed you could call me. ill be all over this weekend. and if we are lucky we won't run into each other tonight. i guess.

YOU GOT A NEW FRIEND, WELL I GOT HOMIES. BUT IN THE END ITS STILL SO LONELY.

But you are what you love and not what loves you back that's why i'm here on your doorstep pleading for you to take me back...and i'm in love with illusions so saw me in half. I'm in love with tricks so pull another rabbit out of your hat.


wah wah.


-xo