its 430 in the morning.
i texted you and i am sorry.
i honestly dont know how i got home or how i am even functioning right now.
everyone, EVERYONE asked where you were.
"where's your boyfriend?"
"what... who? oh... you see he's leaving me for..."
"he is leaving you? didn't he just show up to tell you he loved you 2 weeks ago?"
"well..."
yea... it was as bad as you think it was. yea i texted you. i am sure you were passed out or ignoring me. i get it though. you have a new girlfriend and 5 years with me must be tossed curbside. whatever. remember how i said the partying lifestyle gets old? i took a break for one weekend, came back, and i'm already over it. but i'll be out tomorrow, doing the same thing. ending up at dennys at 3am trying not to cry.
i'll have tony telling me i will be ok, as he covers my face so no one else can see that i am crying in the middle of the club.
"stephanie, it's summer. you should be thankful."
.........
dear lord,
remember how my life was back in january and february? i want that back now please. i would give anything i have now to have that back. really. and i would do anything to prevent what happened at the end of march from happening again. i shouldn't be sitting here crying and wondering how long it will be till i see him again. a few months? a year? longer? i know you are doing this to me for a reason but i still don't understand it. i am trying. i can only take what you give me and turn it into something i need it to be. and you have given me empty hands and plenty of people ready and willing. but that isn't what i want. i want him back. i want my life back. if i could predict the future i see myself falling, too deep to pull myself out from. i see lots of nights like tonight and i can't do that for that long. if he leaves me lord please bring him back soon. i can't sit on the sidelines for too long. i know with all my heart he is the man i am supposed to spend the rest of my life with so why does it have to be this hard? love is patient, and i know that. but i think i have been very patient. it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it does not keep a record of wrongs. i have forgiven lord. everything. i have done my best to push past. and maybe this is self-seeking. but i cannot help what i feel in my heart. i am young and i know this. but i also know that this feeling is much bigger than me. as these tears roll down my cheeks i know this. and i know part of him feels it too. a bigger part than what feels for her. love always perseveres. and i am hoping, with every part of who i am, that the love i have sent out will persevere. how i feel now is much more important to me than anything else. and i would spend the rest of my life to make sure that he knew that. i am begging for help.
-xo
i cast a spell over the west to make you think of me, the way i think of you.
1 comment:
hello stranger :) just found you randomly. and well this post reminded me of myself when i was 19. i fell hopelessly in love for a guy who is now a giant douche bag. but that's besides the point, what is the point is that, you're clearly a clever and intelligent girl, so you must never wait on someone who isn't able to see the immediate beauty in you. if love is as strong as you believe it is, then it wouldn't wait. it's not like he has a gun to his head telling him to go out with another girl instead of you. he's a made a choice. and whether or not you believe he's made a shitty choice isn't up to you. What you absolutely need to do, is try and really understand what it was about him that was so beautiful. because once you get why you loved him you'll be able to leave yourself open to experiences that are conducive to that kind of love. I'm still on my journey for love. but just know, you will grow, and what you believe is love now, will actually change. so don't wait on the sidelines for a guy who isn't able to see how amazing you are. there are plenty of guys in this world who will open your eyes in ways you can't even possibly dream. just be open to that :) and you'll love again.
ALWAYS keep working on "you". people will come and go out of your life, but you won't. so, so long as you're able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile every once in a while, you're doing good.
I hope that was helpful. But keep your chin up and stay away from bullshit boys who can't appreciate your beauty.
chin up :)
you're a strong one i can tell.
n'oublie jamais de d'aimer avec ton ^ame et le reste te dirigera :)
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