no outfit today. just a reminder to myself and everyone else, i suppose.

your relationships are as good as what you put into them. not as good as what you expect to get out of them.

so i'm putting away a lot of things to pull from my guts to put more things in.


thats all.

-xo

i miss feeling secure in my position.

this is something that i can't seem to get over.


-xo

i need some sort of confirmation.

before you had told me i was the "one". so i never felt like at any moment i was going to simply walk off the edge and fall endlessly into, well nothing.

now i have no words. all i have is a daily revolving door of uncertainty and high hopes. maybe thats why i'm so nervous. because what i know, you don't. and i don't know what to do to help you feel the same. or more realistically, just make myself deal with it.

and i know that if what has happened now...4 times... happens again i think i will crack. place me on a 5150. i just need some string of words or sentences to make me feel more at ease.

keep my head from feeling so heavy.



-xo

i was born to tell you 'i love you.'



-xo

i forgot to repost my bulletin.

oh well.

check a few entries back to see it. it still stands. i feel like i am getting closer to my personally set (mounted, nailed, and 'fussed with') finish line ribbon. but in case my feet lose momentum or, god forbid, someone sticks their foot out in front of me again and trips me, i need to keep it in mind.
there is always an escape route.
but its up to the escapee to make it easily accessible. and for me, this is about as extreme and easy as i can make it.

and yes, there are times when i look at you and know that even if things stayed at the pace they are for the next few months i would still put my plan aside just to wait things out, i guess. but i'm on eggshells more than i am solid ground. and until that changes...


this is not to say i am not happy with how things are. because i am. overwhelmingly so. but we both know i really don't live in the moment... i live for the future. and the haunting fact that i am not where i hoped i would be right now with you has cause a little dysfunction in my brain. especially after... well... you know.


click your heels twice and think of me.



-xo

fingers are crossed so hard it hurts.

stephanie: keep your ultimatums at bay for the time being.


trying. trying. trying.



-xo

this is supposed to be one of those times when being in the gray is just easier.


but half of me is colored in, and the other half is slowly decomposing from the wait.
i could push and pull. or force answers.
but knowing that doing that will leave me where i am, or even push me backwards, anyway... it just doesn't seem logical.

sometimes words slip from lips. and gestures sneak out of arms. small reminders that what once was, is still there. no matter how deep its core is buried, it still exists. so i secretly tie colored ribbons around trees in hopes that maybe it will become a reminder of the positive. of what we should be hoping for. aiming after. i disguise them as other things. but i still hope you drive past them.

my plan for the end of fall still stands. whether or not it is standing as straight as it was when i first pulled it from my head is a question i can't answer. but i know that if what i know when i'm supposed to know it, is not something i want to, then i am going. i have to. this is my ultimatum that i am projecting on everyone, a few in particular.
what can i say... life is about choices. its a series of decisions that lead to a conclusion which holds more decisions that leads to a conclusion... you get it.



we'll see. i guess that is the moral of this.




-xo

sorta getting sick of things moving along, then all of a sudden i feel like any minute its going to tumble again.

like jenga.


my life is fucking jenga.



consistency is key... please.



-xo

well, i have to admit that things are really starting to look up for me since my life turned to shit.




-xo

Just how long did you expect to keep me waiting? i said before i climbed that fence, youre not getting off that easy. -xo (sent via mobile)

-xo

(2/2) heart will rule again. till then my love...till then... -xo (sent via mobile)

(1/2) What a mess this is. pretty little things covered in rotten little mistakes. someday this will rock back and forth instead of side to side. someday my

eta: i am guessing since i haven't heard from you, then i will be taking this trip alone...
oh well.



Tomorrow is happening for me. and i am not going to ask you to go. you know youre invited...if you show up is up to you. ill be there alone. -xo

if i could say that i understood anything, then i wouldn't be here everyday trying to decipher the nothings i get.

I spend most of my time preoccupied with tweaking the person i have forced myself to become, rather than moving toward the person i want to be. it's sad to even say that i'm someone i don't know anymore. even though a little over a week ago i thought i had this figured out. this has me constantly questioning every single thing about every single thing. i hate that.

i'm not the girl i was, the girl i am is just venting.

i always thought that things gradually dissolved. and i am still not a fan of the reality slap that is things going from good to bad in a matter of a day. i don't believe it. but i have been forced to just live with it. that is another thing... there is no coping mechanism for any of this. there is no pill, no special food, nothing. its deal with it, or fuck off. i guess really its just fuck off, or fuck off. and that isn't fair to someone who is willing to put their all into something that just sucks and doesn't spit out anything in return. i don't give a shit about "its better to give then to receive" life is a big fat wide two way street, and if i am putting effort forth, i want it back in return. and i can't remember when the last time was that that happened.

i don't get it.



all i have to go off of now is myself. the fact that a word hasn't been spoken in 5 days, and that seems to be ok... well that says a lot. so i am taking myself, and once again dusting off and hoping for the best.

i still feel the same. my head is still in the same place i have just put that person on pause. but my life is a VHS, and pause stretches the tape and i am just starting to turn into melted plastic.

so this is day 5: repeat of days 1-3 and if i had updated for 4 it would be the same. i don't want to say i am waiting, because i can't. but that pause button is pushed in so hard that i may need a screwdriver to pop it out.


I'm gonna leave the same way I came up.
From the ashes then I'm from the ashes.
Then you, you could've fooled me.
I admit I was a fool for your southern days
(one-hundred and fifty degrees in the shade)
it wasn't an option to come back to my place
(no i was put in my place)

I don't worry half as much as I did.
When I was an experiment.
Your resident tourniquet.
Life's about how you're left waiting, just waiting.
I am the mantel and you're a painting.
(come rest your frame on me)



open the gate to your apartment complex.
you're not getting off that easily.
i'd climb the fence, the one that you've been sitting on.
How long before I'm just a memory?
How long before you can't remember me?





Remember me.

-xo

so confused.



open the gate to your apartment complex.
you're not getting off that easily.
I climb the fence, the one that you've been sitting on
(how long) before I'm just a memory?
(how long) before you can't remember me?
Remember me.




i know so much more than you think.
its disgusting.

-xo

done.



kick drum beat in my chest again.


'exile' is not a reason on the form.
'extended vacation' is a euphemism for me now.


there are 100 things i want to say but i just don't think any of it is appropriate right now.
i know what you've been doing and saying even though you think i don't.
and i know the outcome (as do you).


my horoscope as been telling me to risk my ego and just say whats on my mind.
fuck my ego... its everything else that ever existed that is keeping me from talking.


day 3: beyond bullshit at this point. i don't get how 2 people who love each other and spent 5 years of their lives together, can find it civil and reasonable to just not talk to one another. or should i say i don't get how one person can. things were fine. you said so yourself. but then again i wouldn't put it past you at this point to... well you know.




-xo

patron saint of liars and fakes.


-xo

Day two: still bullshit. 'oh baby when they made me they broke the mold. boys used to follow me around then i got cold.'

day one redo: still bullshit.



sigh (big, fat, and with an eye roll attached).


-xo