shit.I'm all over the internet cause of this night.
-xo
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I broke down.
For myself. For everything that has happened in the past 6 weeks. For you. For all of it. My mental capacity to juggle emotional bullshit is limited as of late.
I am reflecting a lot on the past few years and who I was, who I thought I was, who I am now, who I think I am now. The person I am today, as in today, tuesday, April 28th 2009, is an ok one. I feel like a girl with holes itching to find good sized patches though. I say everyday, "I feel like I am walking around with a hole in my chest." I can feel the cold air running right through me and it's overwhelming. I shiver more now than I did before. That is an honest fact. Maybe I've convinced myself that I really do have holes. Convinced, realized, come to terms with... you know. What's the first step of AA... admiting you have a problem. It works if you work it? I guess.
Most days I feel like I am in transition. Like the life I am currently living is only temporary until I get the one I want back. So when I see people I recently met I always think, "It's too bad I won't see them like this much longer..." Will that be self-fulling? I kind of hope not. I mean I do. I mean I don't. No I don't. But maybe...
My compulsions, ticks, and general crazy bits are much more calm lately. I don't know if my attitude has changed, or if I lack ambition. Maybe I lake concern? It could be the fact that I feel like there is no point in worrying about really anything. I try my best not care. Like I've said, "I could tell some stories about the past few weeks." Cause so much more shit has happened than I think you or anyone else could assume. And I kind of have put my heart on the train tracks tied down strong with lots of rope. And I keep meeting trains...
Honestly, I am not trying to set myself up for failure. Not intentionally. Maybe subconsciously. I don't know. I have reoccurring dreams of being hit head on by a drunk driver. I wake up in cold sweats with chest heaving breaths. It's dramatic. But I keep saying, the chances that I will die tomorrow get greater with every day that it doesn't happen. Is this fatalist? Probably. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself that I need to live that much harder. Does that make sense?
My life is a big maybe lately. I probably broke down for that. The fact that I have no facts. I can't say for sure anything about my life because I constantly feel like I am in transition. I am doing my best to play "avoid" because I told you not to talk to me unless it's for one of two reasons. Part of me knows that this probably means we will never talk again. Then I think that's crazy. Then I think I'm crazy for thinking it's crazy cause it's probably true. But then I have this feeling we will talk again next week. But I don't get my hopes up cause the chances are slim.
Ugh. Is this how people go crazy?
Maybe.
-xo
For myself. For everything that has happened in the past 6 weeks. For you. For all of it. My mental capacity to juggle emotional bullshit is limited as of late.
I am reflecting a lot on the past few years and who I was, who I thought I was, who I am now, who I think I am now. The person I am today, as in today, tuesday, April 28th 2009, is an ok one. I feel like a girl with holes itching to find good sized patches though. I say everyday, "I feel like I am walking around with a hole in my chest." I can feel the cold air running right through me and it's overwhelming. I shiver more now than I did before. That is an honest fact. Maybe I've convinced myself that I really do have holes. Convinced, realized, come to terms with... you know. What's the first step of AA... admiting you have a problem. It works if you work it? I guess.
Most days I feel like I am in transition. Like the life I am currently living is only temporary until I get the one I want back. So when I see people I recently met I always think, "It's too bad I won't see them like this much longer..." Will that be self-fulling? I kind of hope not. I mean I do. I mean I don't. No I don't. But maybe...
My compulsions, ticks, and general crazy bits are much more calm lately. I don't know if my attitude has changed, or if I lack ambition. Maybe I lake concern? It could be the fact that I feel like there is no point in worrying about really anything. I try my best not care. Like I've said, "I could tell some stories about the past few weeks." Cause so much more shit has happened than I think you or anyone else could assume. And I kind of have put my heart on the train tracks tied down strong with lots of rope. And I keep meeting trains...
Honestly, I am not trying to set myself up for failure. Not intentionally. Maybe subconsciously. I don't know. I have reoccurring dreams of being hit head on by a drunk driver. I wake up in cold sweats with chest heaving breaths. It's dramatic. But I keep saying, the chances that I will die tomorrow get greater with every day that it doesn't happen. Is this fatalist? Probably. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself that I need to live that much harder. Does that make sense?
My life is a big maybe lately. I probably broke down for that. The fact that I have no facts. I can't say for sure anything about my life because I constantly feel like I am in transition. I am doing my best to play "avoid" because I told you not to talk to me unless it's for one of two reasons. Part of me knows that this probably means we will never talk again. Then I think that's crazy. Then I think I'm crazy for thinking it's crazy cause it's probably true. But then I have this feeling we will talk again next week. But I don't get my hopes up cause the chances are slim.
Ugh. Is this how people go crazy?
Maybe.
-xo
I just wrote this whole long letter to you and deleted it.
I'm good at wasting time on things that will get me no where.
Despite how open and desperate you seemed yesterday, I know that means nothing. Just like how the 'I miss you' meant nothing, and the random texts at 4am meant nothing.
You could tell me I'm wrong but you won't.
I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing.
Cause this is all bullshit.
-xo
I'm good at wasting time on things that will get me no where.
Despite how open and desperate you seemed yesterday, I know that means nothing. Just like how the 'I miss you' meant nothing, and the random texts at 4am meant nothing.
You could tell me I'm wrong but you won't.
I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing.
Cause this is all bullshit.
-xo
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Ever wake up and realize exactly what day and time it is, and where you've been, come from, going to, need to be?
I feel like the past few weeks have been a rebellious blur. And last night cemented the fact that I cannot do much without someone passing judgment. This is the epitome of discovering that while the grass on the other side may be a tad bit greener- it is still full of bugs, crab grass, and dead spots. I haven't learned the hard way yet though. At least not in my eyes. Maybe that will come back to bite me. Again: these are all risks I am willing to take.
I am staying in tonight, needless to say. If you saw me you'd know exactly why. I lost my voice 3 days ago, and it's still in and out. I have been so sick and sorta refusing to let myself get better. I don't know why but I am testing it to see just how bad it can get. Man... can that statement be applied to other areas of my life or what?
My plan of disappearing is working for the most part except for this thing. I don't know what I thought I would get out of it. I think I have learned from past experiences that when people pick up and leave without notice that others, despite how they feel, tend to get a little nervous and worried. My goal is not to worry anyone... well maybe it is. I simply want people to know exactly what life would be like if you cut someone out. Most things seemed like a good idea, until you go through with them and spend most of your time in regret. My mind has changed a lot on this topic, but I always find myself falling asleep and waking up the same way: wondering if you're wondering if I'm wondering what you're wondering. I guess we'll see.
There are 100 things I want to do this summer, and I hope that I don't do them alone. I plan on spending that one solid month I have without school on a towel, on the beach, asleep. Last summer this was a plan him and I came up with, but it never happened. I'm doing it this summer. I always feel like the chances I will die tomorrow get greater with each day that it doesn't happen. So I at least want to go out with a good tan and salt crusted hair.
"I spent most of last night dragging this lake for the corpses of all my past mistakes. Sell me out, the jokes on you. I am salt and you are the wound. Empty another bottle, and let me tear you to pieces. This is me wishing you into the worst situations. I'm the kind of the kid that can't let anything go. But you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat. Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears, rather ones that just don't care. Cause I know, that you're in between arms somewhere. Next to heart beats where you shouldn't dare sleep. Now I'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me. Take your taste back, peel back your skin. And try to forget how it feels inside. You should try saying no once in a while."
-xo
I feel like the past few weeks have been a rebellious blur. And last night cemented the fact that I cannot do much without someone passing judgment. This is the epitome of discovering that while the grass on the other side may be a tad bit greener- it is still full of bugs, crab grass, and dead spots. I haven't learned the hard way yet though. At least not in my eyes. Maybe that will come back to bite me. Again: these are all risks I am willing to take.
I am staying in tonight, needless to say. If you saw me you'd know exactly why. I lost my voice 3 days ago, and it's still in and out. I have been so sick and sorta refusing to let myself get better. I don't know why but I am testing it to see just how bad it can get. Man... can that statement be applied to other areas of my life or what?
My plan of disappearing is working for the most part except for this thing. I don't know what I thought I would get out of it. I think I have learned from past experiences that when people pick up and leave without notice that others, despite how they feel, tend to get a little nervous and worried. My goal is not to worry anyone... well maybe it is. I simply want people to know exactly what life would be like if you cut someone out. Most things seemed like a good idea, until you go through with them and spend most of your time in regret. My mind has changed a lot on this topic, but I always find myself falling asleep and waking up the same way: wondering if you're wondering if I'm wondering what you're wondering. I guess we'll see.
There are 100 things I want to do this summer, and I hope that I don't do them alone. I plan on spending that one solid month I have without school on a towel, on the beach, asleep. Last summer this was a plan him and I came up with, but it never happened. I'm doing it this summer. I always feel like the chances I will die tomorrow get greater with each day that it doesn't happen. So I at least want to go out with a good tan and salt crusted hair.
"I spent most of last night dragging this lake for the corpses of all my past mistakes. Sell me out, the jokes on you. I am salt and you are the wound. Empty another bottle, and let me tear you to pieces. This is me wishing you into the worst situations. I'm the kind of the kid that can't let anything go. But you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat. Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears, rather ones that just don't care. Cause I know, that you're in between arms somewhere. Next to heart beats where you shouldn't dare sleep. Now I'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me. Take your taste back, peel back your skin. And try to forget how it feels inside. You should try saying no once in a while."
-xo
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