Have a good weekend. Watch your fucking mouth.



-xo

shit.

I'm all over the internet cause of this night.




-xo

I broke down.

For myself. For everything that has happened in the past 6 weeks. For you. For all of it. My mental capacity to juggle emotional bullshit is limited as of late.

I am reflecting a lot on the past few years and who I was, who I thought I was, who I am now, who I think I am now. The person I am today, as in today, tuesday, April 28th 2009, is an ok one. I feel like a girl with holes itching to find good sized patches though. I say everyday, "I feel like I am walking around with a hole in my chest." I can feel the cold air running right through me and it's overwhelming. I shiver more now than I did before. That is an honest fact. Maybe I've convinced myself that I really do have holes. Convinced, realized, come to terms with... you know. What's the first step of AA... admiting you have a problem. It works if you work it? I guess.

Most days I feel like I am in transition. Like the life I am currently living is only temporary until I get the one I want back. So when I see people I recently met I always think, "It's too bad I won't see them like this much longer..." Will that be self-fulling? I kind of hope not. I mean I do. I mean I don't. No I don't. But maybe...

My compulsions, ticks, and general crazy bits are much more calm lately. I don't know if my attitude has changed, or if I lack ambition. Maybe I lake concern? It could be the fact that I feel like there is no point in worrying about really anything. I try my best not care. Like I've said, "I could tell some stories about the past few weeks." Cause so much more shit has happened than I think you or anyone else could assume. And I kind of have put my heart on the train tracks tied down strong with lots of rope. And I keep meeting trains...

Honestly, I am not trying to set myself up for failure. Not intentionally. Maybe subconsciously. I don't know. I have reoccurring dreams of being hit head on by a drunk driver. I wake up in cold sweats with chest heaving breaths. It's dramatic. But I keep saying, the chances that I will die tomorrow get greater with every day that it doesn't happen. Is this fatalist? Probably. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself that I need to live that much harder. Does that make sense?

My life is a big maybe lately. I probably broke down for that. The fact that I have no facts. I can't say for sure anything about my life because I constantly feel like I am in transition. I am doing my best to play "avoid" because I told you not to talk to me unless it's for one of two reasons. Part of me knows that this probably means we will never talk again. Then I think that's crazy. Then I think I'm crazy for thinking it's crazy cause it's probably true. But then I have this feeling we will talk again next week. But I don't get my hopes up cause the chances are slim.

Ugh. Is this how people go crazy?

Maybe.



-xo

I just wrote this whole long letter to you and deleted it.
I'm good at wasting time on things that will get me no where.

Despite how open and desperate you seemed yesterday, I know that means nothing. Just like how the 'I miss you' meant nothing, and the random texts at 4am meant nothing.
You could tell me I'm wrong but you won't.


I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing.
Cause this is all bullshit.


-xo

You let resentment go. It's not because you're doing the other person a favor. It's about you. Grudges are simply too heavy to harbor. So you let it go and laugh. You're happier. It's a small miracle of your own making.



what the fuck...



-xo

god, this fucking song...



-xo

is this really what i have become?
who was i before?


everything feels dangerous.


-xo

Ever wake up and realize exactly what day and time it is, and where you've been, come from, going to, need to be?

I feel like the past few weeks have been a rebellious blur. And last night cemented the fact that I cannot do much without someone passing judgment. This is the epitome of discovering that while the grass on the other side may be a tad bit greener- it is still full of bugs, crab grass, and dead spots. I haven't learned the hard way yet though. At least not in my eyes. Maybe that will come back to bite me. Again: these are all risks I am willing to take.

I am staying in tonight, needless to say. If you saw me you'd know exactly why. I lost my voice 3 days ago, and it's still in and out. I have been so sick and sorta refusing to let myself get better. I don't know why but I am testing it to see just how bad it can get. Man... can that statement be applied to other areas of my life or what?

My plan of disappearing is working for the most part except for this thing. I don't know what I thought I would get out of it. I think I have learned from past experiences that when people pick up and leave without notice that others, despite how they feel, tend to get a little nervous and worried. My goal is not to worry anyone... well maybe it is. I simply want people to know exactly what life would be like if you cut someone out. Most things seemed like a good idea, until you go through with them and spend most of your time in regret. My mind has changed a lot on this topic, but I always find myself falling asleep and waking up the same way: wondering if you're wondering if I'm wondering what you're wondering. I guess we'll see.

There are 100 things I want to do this summer, and I hope that I don't do them alone. I plan on spending that one solid month I have without school on a towel, on the beach, asleep. Last summer this was a plan him and I came up with, but it never happened. I'm doing it this summer. I always feel like the chances I will die tomorrow get greater with each day that it doesn't happen. So I at least want to go out with a good tan and salt crusted hair.

"I spent most of last night dragging this lake for the corpses of all my past mistakes. Sell me out, the jokes on you. I am salt and you are the wound. Empty another bottle, and let me tear you to pieces. This is me wishing you into the worst situations. I'm the kind of the kid that can't let anything go. But you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat. Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears, rather ones that just don't care. Cause I know, that you're in between arms somewhere. Next to heart beats where you shouldn't dare sleep. Now I'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me. Take your taste back, peel back your skin. And try to forget how it feels inside. You should try saying no once in a while."


-xo

I only gave away two hearts last night...

Dear Tony and Jimmy,
Thanks for talking to a weirdo like me.


-xo

- I barely sleep anymore.

-I stay out too late.

- Somedays I feel like I am waiting for Jesus to come back.

- I don't blame you, I wouldn't want to wake up to that either.

- Trying really hard not to let myself fall.

- "I feel like I'll never fully understand you..." thank God I'm not alone.

- Most days I feel like I'm walking around with a hole in my chest.

- Everything is not ok, so it must not be the end.


-xo

my phone and i are in a sweet romance.
it allows me to text and call some pretty great people. it also allows me in turn, to receive some of the best messages.

thank you phone. who needs a boyfriend when i have you?

(oh man....)


-xo

today sucked.
from the moment i woke up i knew nothing was right.

some good words kept me from pulling the covers over my head and screaming i quit.



i need it to be thursday night at about 8pm right now.
thank you.


-xo



maybe i have lost hope.
i am just unwilling to let myself believe it yet.
i also think you are unwilling to let your heart lead.
there is no scientific method for this stuff, i hope you know.
think about everything you have said to me via text and IM the past few days.
are those the words/emotions of someone who wants to throw it all away?
survey says....

i am not sure anymore.
somedays i think about the people i have met and everything they have offered me and i feel so lucky. the things i have been told, the stuff that has happened the past 2 weeks has really changed my outlook on what i expect in life. it's crazy how a handful of people can make you feel like the world could stop and everything would still be ok. i worry about the new wearing off though. i guess we will see.
but this comment, "i like the person you are without me, better than the person you are with me." has solidified so much for me. people will always like the idea of me better than actually being with me. i should have come to terms with this before now. but when he said that in my car that night i knew for sure. i get it now. so when boys want to hold my hand and tell me nice things, i know that it will end there. because the minute they try anything else emotionally, they'll realize, "i like who she is solo, than who she is connected." i should hate you for ruining every hope i ever had. but then again, i guess you really summed me up. no one will ever love me like i love them. you have confirmed that. so i have given up on it. i tell people i will never get married because i am convinced no one will ever love me. i am an impossible lady to be with.
for now, all i plan on doing is going with the flow of things. i refuse to take anything any one has tried to charm me with seriously. it's all bullshit until they can't sleep at night like me. i have what i need, which is myself. i am not a stupid girl. and if anyone thinks they can get me to fall for something, they can think again. i've been there done that, really.
looking through the photos of the past weekend i feel very lucky. but i am also keeping my guard up (despite events which will go unspoken about. because really, they were big mistakes. mistakes don't always have to be regrets though). all these encounters have been, "you are everything i want, because you are everything i'm not" situations.
who really knows what happens now. about 4 weeks ago i thought i knew exactly how everything would pan out. really though, it has all become a pipe dream. and my fight for it has began to burn out. i am at a point where i plan on taking the sidelines. if you care for my opinion on anything you are going to have to seek me out. i quit trying. i just end up looking like an asshole in the end.
so here is to me confronting the truth, i guess.

"the whole truth and nothing but the truth, stop me if you've heard this one before. the whole truth, is nothing but a good excuse."


-xo

chris, me, and jimmy!!

me and chris.

love finding things on the internet.

-xo

on broadway..

my very good friend. on our way out! hi sean sean.

hi camera guy.

darrell alonzi. amazing photographer.

he should smile more.

hi chris.

at some points, i felt sorta like i was on the moon. thanks sean sean.

hi tony.

(this is chris, towards the end of the night. jason on sax. and a random hello from me and jimmy somewhere in the middle...)

my feet are killling me. and yes, that top was very see through in the back and kept me chilly. haha.

"stephanie, you know why guys like him keep coming up to you? cause you are cute, sweet, and so beautiful. really." i was told i was beautiful many times. this may sound like i'm full of it, but it felt so nice. really. thank you. i needed that statement, and a night like this so much.

i really am so lucky to have met these people. they are the most interesting, caring, and talented bunch i can think of. thank you guys, for letting me tag along and taking good care of me.

when i came home last night i fell asleep to the sun coming up. i am fucking tired. 8 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. home at 4-5am asleep and auto awake at 9.

sounds crazy. but it feels pretty good.


-xo

hi best friend.

this guy is amazing at what he does.

hi chris.

sideways video of sean sean.

I think this is Chris this time... if you can't see anything, just enjoy the sound.

aha... another night out. yes i went solo. sure i'm fine with it.
my drive home was a little iffy. due to a phone call and other circumstances.
i'm really starting to get the whole "it takes time" bullshit. even though its bullshit.



-xo

this may be my favorite.


-xo

hi my dearies.
is it thursday yet?

-xo

ugh...
this week better go quickly.

i'm excited for thursday. i hope i don't fall down.


-xo

"Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight." And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees." And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange."

-xo

pass this out to your friends.
i promise to tell everyone you knew me when.

-xo

One day you'll fall for this boy. And he'll touch you with his finger tips and burn holes in your skin with his mouth. It hurts when you look at him, and it hurts when you don't. And if feels like someone has cut you open with a jagged piece of glass. you know what they say though; it's love. Make it hurt.

(i'm a very passionate person. i was born to love.)

"to my love,

I know I brought you through tough times, I thank you for giving me this chance to talk to you I would want to start by saying I don't know where I would be without you in my life. These past couple of days have been so hard without you that I've tried to party it away and I found out that no matter what I do or where I go you were always on my mind. I hope its not too late. I didn't believe the love I had until I looked at myself and my future wouldn't be the same without you in it.

Will you marry me?"


oh, fuck.

i had one of the best times i think i have had in so long last night. i made 3 new really great friends, was treated like a princess, and went to some of the coolest places ever. on top of that, i got lots of hugs, high fives and good talks. so this is what happens to you when you get dumped...

not too shabby.

(still wish you were there...)


-xo

-xo

But you are what you love and not what loves you back. that's why i'm here on your doorstep pleading for you to take me back. I'm fraudulent, a thief at best. a coward who paints a bullshit canvas, things that will never happen to me. and at arm's length, it's him who said i'm good at it, i've mastered it; avoiding, avoiding everything. but you are what you love, not what loves you back. and i'm in love with illusions so saw me in half. i'm in love with tricks, so pull another rabbit out of your hat.

hi. sure you can take our picture.

"oh, these dark circles under my eyes? well i was dating this boy..."


-xo

Everyday now I am asked how I am doing.
My general response, whether typed or spoken, starts with "um". More or less I am evaluating who I am talking to, what they know, what I want them to know, and more importantly exactly how at that moment I am feeling. Most people just give a general "good, and you?". I can't anymore. I have to think of everything that happened that day. Whether or not I really slept the night before. How hard it was to get up that morning. If I remembered to put on deodorant and what exactly I forgot to toss into my jumbled school bag before I left the house. Most often if asked my response will then continue, "you know. good. I guess." I don't know why I say "you know." Maybe because I know they don't. But I do know that they are in on what is going on in my life, and therefore have an assumption already to go. A usually correct assumption I should say. I say good, because if I say bad then I have to explain. And explaining anything associated with the one thing that is bad in my life right now makes me cry on the spot. The I guess is genuine. For the most part, I guess I am good.
On my way home today I was thinking about a month or so ago. When asked how I was I wanted to burst and say "my life is amazing". My five year plan looked like it was going to actually come through. I had the man I knew (and still know -- even if you and your army wants to think I am crazy) I was going to marry, my family is amazing, school is going as well as it could right now, and I was surrounded by friends who cared, really cared. I was thinking about how I should have said that more. I should have told more people that my life was amazing. Things were exactly how I always wanted them to be. How I could not think of anything at all that I needed at any given moment. And even though I was taught in a critical thinking class that there is no such thing as a slippery slope... well I would have to argue different now.
When the person who you put all of your heart and soul into just leaves without fair warning, everything around you just starts to... melt. The friends you made with that person in the end owe more loyalty to him than to you. Therefore they leave with him. The overwhelming happiness you felt when you talked to that person everyday is now gone. The stuff that was made enjoyable (no matter how miserable it actually was) because of this person now really is completely unbearable. You wake up wondering every negative thing you can about what they could be doing, and go to bed the same way. And in turn when you think about whether or not your life is amazing anymore, you cannot come up with a list short enough to answer the fact that it isn't.
It is in my most humble opinion that I say all of this. But I cannot stand being told that I am young. There are fish in the sea, and maybe you'll find someone better are things I don't want to hear. I know... they are words that are meant for encouragement. Thanks. But no thanks. Especially cannot stand when my mom says after a dinner out, "Skye, our waiter was cute!" Thanks mom. Really.
I pray more than I did before. And if you know me, you know that I don't talk about this stuff. Religion is something I keep to myself. But really, I have been praying so hard. For help. For guidance. For things to go quicker. Because even though no one believes me again, I KNOW that this will change in my favor. This is not me reading into text messages from him. This is not me hanging by wishful thinking. This is me knowing, with my whole heart and gut that its going to be like it was a few months ago in no time. Do I ever doubt this? Yes. But then I just compare the things that happened last time to the things that are happening last time. The same things are being said, the same actions are being taken. Maybe I am kidding myself. I don't know.
All of this though, is how my brain is working lately. Back and forth. I have never been so up and down in moods since before I left to the hippies last spring. And I have been plotting an escape. I secretly keep all my clothes washed just in case it turns into a "too much to handle" situation, and I can jump in my car and leave. Because lately I really just hate being around myself. I've become a shell of something I used to love. I'm filled with this desperate, lonely, unfortunate goo. I check my phone every 5 minutes. I walk up the stairs to my front door shaking just hoping to see him standing there. It's sad. It's disgusting. And it's tragic. I can't stand it. I can't stand me. I wish I could leave myself behind like everyone does. If it is something that is so easy for them, then it's unfair that I can't do it too. (oh. so. tragic.)
Maybe what I really wanted to say out of all of this is, I'm good... you know. I mean I guess I am ok. Ask me again in 5 minutes though, and that may be different. I just hope this all isn't a pipe dream. Even if it is, it is...he is...YOU are (if you even read this, I don't know) still the one thing in my life worth fighting for.
Maybe it is wishful thinking. If so, here's to living in my own head for a while.

-xo

hi there. me and freud are doing good.
how are you?

i love you so much. i hope you are ok. remember: "no matter what, no questions asked."


-xo

sometimes during the day, i miss you so much it is almost unbearable.
this feels so strange. i haven't been this worried/anxious/nervous in so long.

can i just have things back to the way they were? i know part of you wants that too... i am so nervous this time. sick to my stomach when i think about it.

hi girls.

sean and jimmy bought marla a lot of whiskey and coke's. she is the best, pretty much.

this photo may be the story of my life. the girl always smiling and looking forward... hanging around a boy who doesn't notice (thanks for being a good friend, sean).

These are from thursday. Trying to pretend my weekend was eventful. Tomorrow is homework as usual. That's ok though.


-xo

shake.

it's that time of year again.
when everything seems to be glitter.
remember it's still little pieces
of something that can't be put back together.

If you come looking for something else,
all you'll find is what you left.

reverse. rewind. reset.

this has become more of a struggle, really.
I am about to get even though.

"Liars turn me on."

kick, kick, shove.

let's call this "Love:Love" and I'm about to win the first set.


-xo