Monday, June 29, 2009

well, i have to admit that things are really starting to look up for me since my life turned to shit.

Just how long did you expect to keep me waiting? i said before i climbed that fence, youre not getting off that easy. -xo (sent via mobile)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Saturday, June 27, 2009

(2/2) heart will rule again. till then my love...till then... -xo (sent via mobile)
(1/2) What a mess this is. pretty little things covered in rotten little mistakes. someday this will rock back and forth instead of side to side. someday my

Friday, June 26, 2009

eta: i am guessing since i haven't heard from you, then i will be taking this trip alone...
oh well.

Tomorrow is happening for me. and i am not going to ask you to go. you know youre invited...if you show up is up to you. ill be there alone. -xo

Thursday, June 25, 2009

if i could say that i understood anything, then i wouldn't be here everyday trying to decipher the nothings i get.

I spend most of my time preoccupied with tweaking the person i have forced myself to become, rather than moving toward the person i want to be. it's sad to even say that i'm someone i don't know anymore. even though a little over a week ago i thought i had this figured out. this has me constantly questioning every single thing about every single thing. i hate that.

i'm not the girl i was, the girl i am is just venting.

i always thought that things gradually dissolved. and i am still not a fan of the reality slap that is things going from good to bad in a matter of a day. i don't believe it. but i have been forced to just live with it. that is another thing... there is no coping mechanism for any of this. there is no pill, no special food, nothing. its deal with it, or fuck off. i guess really its just fuck off, or fuck off. and that isn't fair to someone who is willing to put their all into something that just sucks and doesn't spit out anything in return. i don't give a shit about "its better to give then to receive" life is a big fat wide two way street, and if i am putting effort forth, i want it back in return. and i can't remember when the last time was that that happened.

i don't get it.

all i have to go off of now is myself. the fact that a word hasn't been spoken in 5 days, and that seems to be ok... well that says a lot. so i am taking myself, and once again dusting off and hoping for the best.

i still feel the same. my head is still in the same place i have just put that person on pause. but my life is a VHS, and pause stretches the tape and i am just starting to turn into melted plastic.

so this is day 5: repeat of days 1-3 and if i had updated for 4 it would be the same. i don't want to say i am waiting, because i can't. but that pause button is pushed in so hard that i may need a screwdriver to pop it out.

I'm gonna leave the same way I came up.
From the ashes then I'm from the ashes.
Then you, you could've fooled me.
I admit I was a fool for your southern days
(one-hundred and fifty degrees in the shade)
it wasn't an option to come back to my place
(no i was put in my place)

I don't worry half as much as I did.
When I was an experiment.
Your resident tourniquet.
Life's about how you're left waiting, just waiting.
I am the mantel and you're a painting.
(come rest your frame on me)

open the gate to your apartment complex.
you're not getting off that easily.
i'd climb the fence, the one that you've been sitting on.
How long before I'm just a memory?
How long before you can't remember me?

Remember me.

so confused.

open the gate to your apartment complex.
you're not getting off that easily.
I climb the fence, the one that you've been sitting on
(how long) before I'm just a memory?
(how long) before you can't remember me?
Remember me.

i know so much more than you think.
its disgusting.


Wednesday, June 24, 2009


kick drum beat in my chest again.

'exile' is not a reason on the form.
'extended vacation' is a euphemism for me now.

there are 100 things i want to say but i just don't think any of it is appropriate right now.
i know what you've been doing and saying even though you think i don't.
and i know the outcome (as do you).

my horoscope as been telling me to risk my ego and just say whats on my mind.
fuck my ego... its everything else that ever existed that is keeping me from talking.

day 3: beyond bullshit at this point. i don't get how 2 people who love each other and spent 5 years of their lives together, can find it civil and reasonable to just not talk to one another. or should i say i don't get how one person can. things were fine. you said so yourself. but then again i wouldn't put it past you at this point to... well you know.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

patron saint of liars and fakes.

Day two: still bullshit. 'oh baby when they made me they broke the mold. boys used to follow me around then i got cold.'

Monday, June 22, 2009

day one redo: still bullshit.

sigh (big, fat, and with an eye roll attached).


Sunday, June 21, 2009

but i will never end up like her.
(behind my back i already am)
keep a calendar this way you will always know.

the last time you came through.
oh darling i know what you're going through...

Edited to add: This Saturday June 27th 2009 the poster of this announcement will be wandering aimlessly around the town of Ocean Beach in the city of San Diego. FACE TO FACE communication will be honored and is encouraged on this day.

Public Service Announcement

This concerns myself, and all contributors to my life. If things are not the way I want them, or the way I think they should be by the end of the fall 2009 school semester, I will be postponing my college graduation to take exile with our neighbors across the pond (for an undetermined length of time). An application for a visa has already been filled out and will be sent in on Monday, June 22, 2009. Also, living arrangements have already been made pending my decision to go or not.

If you are at all worried about "deadlines" or "due dates" please stay tuned for an estimated ship date to determine when you should have a conclusion by. Please note that this is all pending my satisfaction level with my current situation on or around the supposed time of departure.

Answers and/or determinations will not be accepted until the supposed date due to the fact that it is known that much time is needed in order to come to a clear conclusion. Any conclusions given before then that do not meet my needs will be disregarded and labeled "jumping the gun". These will be quickly forgotten and disposed of.

Also note that this was not posted as a means of force or pressure. Rather, it is to maintain a schedule in the head of the person who has posted it. The purpose may also be related to: a) a reality check; or b) a way in which to advance the thought process of those contributors. It is because of these reasons that the suggested departure date was given.

If you have any questions and/or suggestions please refer to the files located in the muscular organ that keeps the rhythm in your chest. Also, periodic updates will be given here on our website. You will be able to locate these above or below this announcement. If you feel as though these routes are not successful, please seek out your local branch and customer service will be happy to guide you in the right direction.

Once a month on the same date an update as to the progress of this project will be given. If no progress has been made, then a duplicate of this same announcement will be posted.

Thank You.


I'm not the girl I was, the girl I am is just venting.
Day one: bullshit bullshit bullshit... this is going to be a very rough week.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

worry, worry...

each day is a little less. with a lot more added.
i feel like a fall apart just to see if i can't put myself back together.
does that make sense?

you put my head in such a flurry, flurry...

it's safe to say that i think i think about you a lot more than i ever have.
in the sense that every two seconds you are crossing my mind.
for some reason that past week i felt like i had fallen in love with you all over again.
jittery hands and a nervous head. i missed it. i got it. and i want it to keep going.

oh freckle, freckle...

i sleep lightly lately. it feels like every hour i am awake to check my phone; my head.
last night was especially difficult.

what makes you so special?...

i feel like more than ever i have so much to offer.
i have done a good job of building myself up in my own head and world.
and more than ever i am ready to offer every last bit of myself.
i am oh so confident.

lets hope nothing goes to waste.

(don't feel bad for the suicidal cats. gotta kill themselves nine times before they get it right...)


Thursday, June 18, 2009

ok... so this may be inappropriate, but oh well. i hope it makes you laugh.

(732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...


today i feel like a total freak.

my head and my hands and the rest of me can't meet.
conflicting, restricting, just want to put my moves on the street.

called a witness for an answer.
said a prayer for a change.
i know nothing comes different, if i keep doing everything the same.

so i started small.
pushing pebbles with pinkies.
gathered motivation, found myself sitting pretty.
oh boulder, oh boulder... you're on top of me now.
i gathered every bit of strength. but i'm still stuck here somehow.

you tricked me once, so shame on you.
but i came back again, still shame on me.
i wear this well, you must admit.
i swallow my pride, with it comes fame.

a watched pot never boils.
but those bubbles are so deceiving.
i cast a spell over the west to make you think of me.
bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.
mirror mirror, that just doesn't look like me.

kicking this under the rug.
like it was supposed to mean something.
take two of these, kiss me goodnight, i won't call you in the morning.

here is to this, to me, to the sky.
hands moving forward to propel the situation.
my glass raised high.
smile on my face i'll bear it.
hurry up and wait, i'll stand for it.

just tell me in a few years you'd be ok with it.
looking over not seeing me, but someone who will never get it.

baby, i've got it.
wrapped up in my pocket.
and i dare you to say you could live without it.


Monday, June 15, 2009

my hands still shake every now and then.

it's a part of me that i have grown to accept. it comes with the territory of always being nervous. forever wondering if anything that leaves lips is fact. maybe fiction. after spending so much time picking myself up, dusting off, and pulling leaves from my hair, from under my skin... i can't help it.

more often than not i feel like a wall that has been painted over with different colors so many times that new coats just don't stick anymore. what's the point anyway.

my heart has taken second place to my head. and i hate it. i bite my tongue a lot. everything that wants to pour out of my mouth i find a new bottle and a new shelf and store it.

when i burst i guess you can reflect on this as a fair warning.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

painting something prettier than this.

kiss the mirror and go back to being horrible.


Monday, June 8, 2009

this is me keeping my mouth shut.
and my distance.

sorry for anything.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

everything feels so blurry.

i just want to start easing back in.
i just need to start easing back in.

before i start to turn inside out.

i'm beyond words today. i can't even formulate a solid look for how i am feeling.
i need arms around me soon.
before i cave in.


Friday, June 5, 2009

"in the end," i told him, while stuffing my face with a bit more food, "i'm all talk. i mean, i'm just being honest."
he shook his head and looked away.
i can't help it. i've got a skip in my step from thinking that the inch i was talking about, really happened over night. but in the end i am still where i was a week ago.
"you'll look around and get it." i can't believe him when he says it. every time he sees me he questions my everything. the why's and what if's are daunting. you could try to hold my head up, but my worry is too heavy. my heart sealed over with scar tissue. like a burn victim. its not what it used to be. the look is all different. and it feels less wholesome.

everyone tries to tell me. i just "i know" and keeping on going. in end it's me i have to live with. and in the end it's the thought of us that keeps me from getting over it.

"you're so lovable. you deserve it."
but i don't want it. not now. not from you. not with the look on your face that i can't match up with. this is another case of "i can't say i didn't warn you." except i'm on the bad side of it. i'm the fair warning. i'm the one you should be reconsidering. so sick of being told to just go with it.

this is me at my best. with the worst intentions. my heart on my sleeve with no one questioning any of it.
this is why i am always on the verge of trouble.

worry, worry. you put my head in such a flurry, flurry.
oh freckle freckle.
what makes you so special?


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

i hope me asking to leave a toothbrush near your sink is starting to sound like the route you should have taken.

i feel like i took a right instead of a left.

off center.

i wish we could have an airing of grievances.
a time for me to step on you for a bit.

kick rocks, kid.


Monday, June 1, 2009

somethings are better left unsaid.

i am shaking in my boots.