i love you so much i am going to break you in places you didn't even know existed.
i'm only good at getting worse at being better.

i would convince you that i'm bluffing. except that you know i have nothing.
so i shake at the possibility.
keep my eyes diverted.
i'm only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie.

my heart and my head are always at war.
but my mouth usually wins.
"at least we all know where we stand."

you could call it taking a stance on all of this. i hold out for the hope that you hope that i hope that this gets different. that i get dizzy.
that this rocking in my chest is the only thing keeping me busy.

swing at this and i will let you know ball or strike. kick or push. the only difference is whether or not to call it at all. the only chance for this is to make sure of it. they were always right though. what could anyone ever expect from a girl like me? i sit around waiting for a ball that doesn't exist to drop. for a knock on the door from a boy would could care less. careless. shameful.

in the end my colors dont match. matter of fact. and if i wanted i could do nothing about it. if you wanted you would ask.


she'll never give you what i can.
but i got money on that square that says you go back.



-xo

feel like im walking around with a sign on my back of some kind. every one i know wants to take me in, to pull me aside for that all important conversation where i figure me out- we pull out of perspective- maybe i dont want to figure me out. maybe every time you thank me, i feel like ive pulled the rug out from under you. every time you curse me, i quietly applaud because you know what? maybe youre right. maybe they all are. snag. hit a snag. always do. turn over a new leaf, fuck it turn over the whole tree. itll be a new day all the bodies hanging from the branches will be buried in beautiful ceremonies. and besides well finally have roots. something to dig in to. ive forgotten most everyone i ever cared for if they dont keep tabs on me. not saying that should come as much of a surprise its just me. i dont want to clear up any confusion. i dont want to clarify black or white, im totally entranced with the idea of remaining gray. and when it all slows down its just you in a room so dark you cant even tell how big it is. been asleep so long ive forgotten my name. stumble. the night has a plan. if not the night has a point: "if you cant remember it why would you ever miss the blur?" think of all the in-betweens. knuckles numb from the walls youve puched, knees buckling from all the legs youve loved. all the toasts weve made. all the hugs. blow past the exit sign. the exist sign. were ticking. were wicks sparking....


im getting you and im losing me
wed get legendary
but ive got a nomadic head
i love ya but ive caught the doom and the dread.



over and over.


-xo

what am i going to do when the best part of me was always you?


nights done. back to basics.


bullshit.


-xo

my night in bullets:

- i was told i was not allowed to use my full first name anymore. mostly because i haven't earned it back after what happened. so i can be called "ste" "nie" or their current favorite "phhhh". i was also told that i could earn it back... which leads to:

- i was informed tonight that i could sleep with anyone in the car i wanted. not just the car, in the whole world. it was just all up to me being willing. is that good to know? i don't know. being told that men and women cannot be friends and the only reason most of them talk to me is because they find me attractive is a bit disheartening. on the up side, if i am ever desperate... no really though. i feel lost in all of this. i have been getting too much of the "hardcore truth" lately from people. i just want to melt in my seat from sadness every time someone tells me something that makes my stomach turn then follows up with that phrase. fuck the truth. give me everything coated in sugar and let me be. please.

- pretty sure i saw you. i was quickly grabbed as i gravitated your way. not sure if it was you. but the fact that someone stopped me and said "no. no. here is another drink." makes me think it probably was.

- that photo was removed for my safety and that is all you get to know. and i saw one of those guys tonight. he started going off on something and i just walked away. literally in the middle of his story i walked away. i could tell you snippets of what i was told, but i've been doing that the past few days and it means nothing now. i know it would hurt you, but you refuse to listen. and really, i don't care to hear about her anymore, to be very honest. i'm done with it. that is your mess now.

future and random:

- i plan on drinking until i can't walk tomorrow. its been a great week in a bad way. i may have gotten myself into a bit of a jam and i am currently doing everything i can to pull my head above water as far as that goes. in more ways than one, i feel like i am 16 again.

- i don't really know why you said you had a bad day, but if i had to take one guess i bet i would nail (who caused) it.

- i am sorta hoping that the cause of your bad day is making you realize exactly what you have done (i warned you. but i also said i wouldn't say i told you so...) this summer could have been your best. i have some of the best connections in san diego. we could have painted this town every color imaginable. you want to be a part of the party lifestyle? i think you passed on a great opprotunity for it (trust me PB is a nasty pit full of bullshit. you know the girls that go there and the guys too. i think you know them all better than you wanted to). not only to be doing so, but also to have a very attractive girl by your side while you do it. just my opinion though.



it's now 4am. time to sleep for 6 hours and prepare for a repeat.


i would leave you with some song lyrics, but i am feeling like that avenue has been exhausted too. i'm done with the bullshit. at least for tonight.


signing off, doing my best not to be jaded.



-xo

---photo removed for my safety---



fuck my life. can i jump off now? i really really think i am done.



-xo

edited to add:i don't know why you had a bad day, but i think i have a good idea. you won't, but if you needed you could call me. ill be all over this weekend. and if we are lucky we won't run into each other tonight. i guess.

YOU GOT A NEW FRIEND, WELL I GOT HOMIES. BUT IN THE END ITS STILL SO LONELY.

But you are what you love and not what loves you back that's why i'm here on your doorstep pleading for you to take me back...and i'm in love with illusions so saw me in half. I'm in love with tricks so pull another rabbit out of your hat.


wah wah.


-xo

the party life style, eh?
i think everyone is a bit upset... well. nevermind.


these people are my summer.
fingers crossed.



-xo

snitches and talkers get stitches and walkers.
and on and on and on.


"And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link"

"It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight."



blah blah blah.


this week has been SO long. i feel like everything has been stretched that much more just to piss me off or make me uncomfortable. i kinda want 10 hours in a day. then maybe i wouldn't be bothered with random shit. this weekend is going to be an interesting one. i just hope to god i don't end up where i'm thinking i will be.


-xo

"i told her, 'she is a total babe. help a guy out.' like way before i even knew you. it's like weird fate or something, i don't know."


tonight was weird. i'll be honest. fun and awkward and just strange.

i sorta feel like nothing is happening. i can't explain it. like when i wake up every morning that day is the only day that ever existed and everything else that may have happened before it, i have no clue about. it's comforting and also worrisome. i'm forgetting everything that ever made me happy and whole because all of it was attached to someone who won't even talk to me now. i am doing everything i can to be a normal 22 year old and i feel like i don't know how. i totally 100% forgot who i am. i don't know who i am. it's absolutely terrifying. and i think you of all people can relate to this so much. i think its where you are now. and i feel like i am looking for any poor sucker to help me become something they need and want me to be. i am too scared to take this journey right now. and i can't say i need someone to guide me, because that won't help. i have to do this alone. this is the first time i am able to admit it.

i have to be alone right now.

i hope to god someday i can look in the mirror and have a definition for me. and i hope you can too. then maybe we can meet up and share how fucked up everything was and how great it feels to be whole complete people again. maybe this day will be the day we both realize how much we need each other. not out of desperation, but out of love. nothing but love. for the right reasons. i know you sorta hope this too. no one can say right now though. here is what i told someone tonight: "wants and needs have become two very different things to me. and they should be. but i mean its beyond polar. if that is possible." i think he got it. maybe. probably not. oh well.

just do me one favor: keep reading this. when i see the hit counter go up its a bit comforting knowing maybe you wandered over here just to see if maybe i've said anything different. plus, i don't think it will hurt to read it. you don't have to reply but in your own head. that is pretty safe communication for the two of us right now, if you ask me. so, since you can't do anything else for me right now, at least do that. i think you owe me that much. if you agree make that hit counter go to 1205... or somewhere close. haha... thanks.


step one: do to yourself what you told others they were stupid for doing.
status: accomplished.




-xo

shit shit shit shit.


i may have gotten myself into a WORLD of trouble.

if i am god's gift then why did he bless me with, such wit without a conscious equipped?



-xo

stephanie: this is your life.


-xo

everything will be ok in the end.
and if it's not ok, then it's not the end.

things are not ok. and i have a very big feeling that my life is about to spiral downward.


-xo

just got a really intense email from my uncle.

currently crumpled in this chair in tears. i do not know what to do with myself.


-xo

- "bongiorno principessa!"

- "i really love to look across the room and see you smiling."

- "where have you been all my night?"

- "i'm glad you are here...really. thanks."


just trying to hold onto the little things from these people. i wish i was honestly smiling most of the time. my head is so blurry and everything sort of feels like it isn't happening most of the time. and i don't know who or what to believe anymore. i fly by the seat of my pants and try really hard not to think about anything. i feel like i live in a danger zone.

-xo

i'm coming apart at the seams, pinching myself for leads in other peoples dreams. now, buzz buzz buzz, doc there's a hole where something was.

i had a good night. i danced a lot. i talked a lot. a lot a lot.

your good friend texted me until i got home safe. it's the little things i guess.
i am trying to realize all the people i have willing to take care of me. and i am trying my best to make sure their intentions are genuine. everything is so blurry.

i didn't die though. which is good. a few people gave me the stink eye, but i think its just the way their faces were stuck. everyday that i don't die tragically, or almost die tragically, i feel like its just pushing the envelope that much closer to it happening for real. its like everyday you don't take your meds the better your chances of going insane. you know? i have horrible nightmares about it regularly.

the vibe tonight was so good. a few people asked about you. how you were doing. if you were ok. if WE were ok. i turned it around, "he's fine. more importantly HOW ARE YOU!?" ugh...


with a big fake smile and a shaky hand i go on.




time for bed. its 245am. lets hope i sleep past 8am... darn it.



-xo

The entire Taking Back Sunday album "Tell All Your Friends" makes me think of you.

I can pull something from every single song.

You Know How I Do: Think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and I, I can barely smile.

Bike Scene: You've got this silly way, of keeping me on the edge of my seat. But you're only counting the clock against the train and I'm miserable. And you're just getting started... I didn't want it to mean that much to me.

Cute Without The 'E' Cut From The Team: Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens. A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins. I will never ask if you won't ever tell me. I know you well enough to know you never loved me... Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?... I stay wrecked and jealous for this, for this simple reason I, just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life. (this one the most.)

There Is No 'I' In Team: Everything I know about breaking hearts, I learned from you, it's true. I've never done with with the style and grace you have. But I've made long term plans, based on these mistakes.

Great Romances Of The 20th Century: This won't mean a thing come tomorrow, and thats exactly how I'll make it seem. Cause I'm still not sleeping thinking I've crawled home from worse than this. So please, I'm running out of sympathy and I never said I'd take this lying down.

Ghost Man On Third: Jynx me something crazy, thinking if it's through then, I'm as smooth as the skin the rolls across the small of your back. It's too bad it's not my style, if you need me, I'm out and on the parkway patiently waiting for headlights dressed in a fashion that's fitting to the inconsistencies of my moods.

Timberwolves At New Jersey: I know something you don't know. This is me with the worst intentions. Don't hold your breath cause you'll only make things worse.

The Blue Channel: And I'm not so sure, if I'm sure of anything anymore. But this is the last night that you'll be keeping secrets from me. Just hit the lights before you leave. You know, the million things you had to say sorry just, just might of found its way in there some how some way. But don't worry sweetie cause I already know.

You're So Last Summer: All I need to know, is that I'm something you'll be missing. Maybe I should hate you for this. Never really did ever get quite that far.

Head Club: Well it's getting colder and you're getting distant. And I just keeping thinking that I never ment it to be like this. You know what comes next so do I. You're begging for a way to gracefully bow out and say goodnight. It's worse than you think. On your way home you should have known. You never listen to me. I'm only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie. I can't say I blame you, but I wish that I could. (this one too.)



I guess I thought doing this was better than asking you to look up lyrics.


I am feeling very manic. Very skittish and paranoid and frantic. Everything is so... weird. Just trying to stay busy with random things like sorting pens and very OCD type stuff. This period will pass, but this time it's worse than the last 2.

ugh.



-xo

edited to add: what. the. fuck. really? this is where this is going to go? but you'll talk with her, she'll deny it and you will act like nothing ever happened. you chose someone like that, who is capable of doing this, over me? i am hurt and offended. sure i said some mean things about her but i would never ever go out of my way to contact her. i bet you're flattered she did it. i want to know how she got my number. if you wanted a project you sure as hell got one. good luck. i hope you are wishing you would have taken more time to think about your choice. and i hope you are thinking you made a big fucking mistake.


are you worried at all that this might be a very big mistake?

cause i am.

trying to turn this sour lemon into something digestible. its fucking hard. under this rubble there is something bright and amazing. but my arms are tired from digging for it.



-xo

i am going to miss you.

i will always love you.



- xo

its 430 in the morning.
i texted you and i am sorry.

i honestly dont know how i got home or how i am even functioning right now.
everyone, EVERYONE asked where you were.
"where's your boyfriend?"
"what... who? oh... you see he's leaving me for..."
"he is leaving you? didn't he just show up to tell you he loved you 2 weeks ago?"
"well..."
yea... it was as bad as you think it was. yea i texted you. i am sure you were passed out or ignoring me. i get it though. you have a new girlfriend and 5 years with me must be tossed curbside. whatever. remember how i said the partying lifestyle gets old? i took a break for one weekend, came back, and i'm already over it. but i'll be out tomorrow, doing the same thing. ending up at dennys at 3am trying not to cry.
i'll have tony telling me i will be ok, as he covers my face so no one else can see that i am crying in the middle of the club.
"stephanie, it's summer. you should be thankful."
.........


dear lord,

remember how my life was back in january and february? i want that back now please. i would give anything i have now to have that back. really. and i would do anything to prevent what happened at the end of march from happening again. i shouldn't be sitting here crying and wondering how long it will be till i see him again. a few months? a year? longer? i know you are doing this to me for a reason but i still don't understand it. i am trying. i can only take what you give me and turn it into something i need it to be. and you have given me empty hands and plenty of people ready and willing. but that isn't what i want. i want him back. i want my life back. if i could predict the future i see myself falling, too deep to pull myself out from. i see lots of nights like tonight and i can't do that for that long. if he leaves me lord please bring him back soon. i can't sit on the sidelines for too long. i know with all my heart he is the man i am supposed to spend the rest of my life with so why does it have to be this hard? love is patient, and i know that. but i think i have been very patient. it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it does not keep a record of wrongs. i have forgiven lord. everything. i have done my best to push past. and maybe this is self-seeking. but i cannot help what i feel in my heart. i am young and i know this. but i also know that this feeling is much bigger than me. as these tears roll down my cheeks i know this. and i know part of him feels it too. a bigger part than what feels for her. love always perseveres. and i am hoping, with every part of who i am, that the love i have sent out will persevere. how i feel now is much more important to me than anything else. and i would spend the rest of my life to make sure that he knew that. i am begging for help.

-xo


i cast a spell over the west to make you think of me, the way i think of you.

today my plan was to spend the day in bed with you.
maybe cook you breakfast, take you out for lunch. just enjoy being lazy.
then take you out tonight and show you a proper good time with my friends.
if you want to party, i can show you how to really party.

instead: i will be spending the day in bed, my bed, by myself probably with the dog.
waiting for 7pm to roll around so i can start getting ready.
i will go out. drink my weight. come home and do it all again tomorrow.


i know you've chosen. i just wish you the best of luck. and i'll see you in a few months when it fails.

edited to add: you can't fix her. really. and she doesn't want to be fixed. and why would you want someone who needs that over someone who doesn't? and dealing with someone like that at work is not the best idea. you are putting your career and reputation there on the line, and for what? if something went terribly wrong you would still have to see her everyday and what would you do if your boss got involved? you said yourself "don't fuck with people from work." don't pee where you sleep, don't mix business with pleasure.

edited twice to add: and what if you are her are fighting? you'll still have to see her everyday at work. i really just see this ruining the good job you have, not to mention your heart.
-xo

edited twice to add: i hope you will continue to read this, no matter what you choose. this is the only way i am able to communicate with you when you leave. it's only here for one reason. i guess i'll ask when you make your decision. btw, june 27th is the OB street fair. i don't want to go alone. :[


edited to add: i want a jim and pam relationship. as stupid as it sounds. and i know i can have that with you. we both have a lot of growing to do. and if you decide to take this time apart, then lets hope in whatever amount of time from now we can come back together and be happy. you know that your time with her will be short. you know she isn't long term material. get it out of your system now. i will be here. you will always be on my mind. i can only hope that next week my answer comes in the form of a knock at the door. we can grow together. now wouldn't that be a fairtytale ending?



taking the next steps...

landed a ton more hours at work. fishing out a clean one bedroom. so much can change in a few hours. lets hope this works out.

well.. this isn't happening right away. maybe in a few months... fingers crossed.


-xo

fix it.

even if you think this is desperate or pathetic or stupid, i did it to make you laugh. i hope it made you laugh. i laughed while doing it. i agree with it, i mean c'mon. but it was meant to be funny.


i had a lot of mean stuff right here, but i deleted it. ive told you everything i think you need to know. this is me taking the high road..fuck its so hard.


just gotta get through this week... just gotta get through this week...



-xo

(ps- you don't even like to party.)

god...again with this?

IN THE NIGHT I HEAR EM TALK THE COLDEST STORY EVER TOLD SOMEWHERE FAR ALONG THIS ROAD HE LOST HIS SOUL, TO A WOMAN SO HEARTLESS. HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS? HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS? HOW COULD YOU BE SO DR. EVIL YOU'RE BRINGING OUT A SIDE OF ME THAT I DON'T KNOW. I DECIDED WE WEREN'T GON SPEAK SO, WHY WE UP 3AM ON THE PHONE? THOUGH WHY SHE BE SO MAD AT ME FOR? HOMIE I DON'T KNOW SHE'S HOT AND COLD. I WON'T STOP WON'T MESS MY GROOVE UP CAUSE I ALREADY KNOW HOW THIS THING GO. YOU RUN AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS THAT YOU'RE LEAVING ME. THEY SAY THEY DON'T SEE WHAT YOU SEE IN ME. YOU WAIT A COUPLE MONTHS THEN YOU GON SEE, YOU WON'T FIND NOBODY BETTER THAN ME.

i think you can fill in the blanks with names. cause that one will never leave my lips again.


fuck this week. fuck me for being to coward to drive my car into the median. came so close i fish tailed. hope your week is full of clarity. do what you said. for once.



-xo

i miss how excited you were the last time we went through this.
that is bad, huh?

keeping a cool head.

i really do not want to spill too much anymore. taking everyday as it comes and for what it is. for once in my life i am not trying to create my future in my daily life. does that make sense? i know what i want in the end. but all i can do right now is hope that it gets there. this is not easy for me. the uncertainty really drives me insane. but i am learning. always learning...



-xo

holy shit.



wow.

(thank you.)


-xo

i am single. buy me a drink? buy me a date? I'll pay you back.
i'm a pretty girl in real life, i swear. see, i just got 4 hours of sleep last night, so i am feeling a little, well... off today. What can I say? I live a jetset lifestyle. But also no rest for the weary.
See my life has become the definition of insanity. I keep doing the same thing over and over every night expecting different results. Can't blame a girl for sticking to what she knows.

Tonight should be. Yea. That's it. It will be.


time for a motha fuckin nap.


snitch snatch.



-xo

i am drunk as fuck and i hope when you wake up you check this.
i dont know what you were trying to tell me tonight. really. spell check is getting me through this.
all i know is the lifestyle i have been living is not me. like ive said 100 times before i am good at putting on a front.
people asked me some stupid things tonight. and i gave asshole answers. and checked my phone every fe wminutes to see if you had said anything.

my liver hates me.

i want nothing more than to be in bed with you and I Know that that is probably the last thing you want right now. it sucks. but i am dealing with it best i can. if the best is a few adios plus a few more jack and cokes.

off to my cold bed. i go out solo, i come home solo. despite what people might like to think about me. i am THAT GIRL. fuck.



all i need is a LEGIT hug. really.





-xo

Edited to note: you did lie when you said you were done hanging out with that group though.

I have been acting far different than I thought was ever possible.
Honestly a side of me that I never thought was there, is there, in full force. And I can't say that its unjustified, and I can't say that I am too shocked. I feel like my territory is being threatened. Weird right? I don't want some people that I don't know fucking things up for me. As crazy as this sounds, I know that this isn't the curtain... like this is NOT the end. So the last thing I need is some (girl) person fucking up the works.

I had probably the worst dream about you last night that I have ever had. I am still reliving it and I've been awake over an hour.

I don't even know if you have decided to continue reading this.

I go through phases of hope. Like somedays I wake up and KNOW it's just a matter of a few months. And somedays I wake up (read your facebook) and think the chances of you ever speaking to me again are the same chances I have of getting booked for a national modeling campaign.


Ugh. I am down and out today. Truely.


-xo


HOW COULD YOU BE SO DR. EVIL. YOU'RE BRINGING OUT A SIDE OF ME THAT I DON'T KNOW. I DECIDED WE WEREN'T GONNA SPEAK SO, WHY WE UP 3AM ON THE PHONE? WHY SHE BE SO MAD AT ME FOR? HOMIE I DON'T KNOW SHE'S HOT AND COLD. I WON'T STOP, WON'T MESS MY GROOVE UP, CAUSE I ALREADY KNOW HOW THIS THING GOES. YOU RUN AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS THAT YOU'RE LEAVING ME. THEY SAY THEY DON'T SEE WHAT YOU SEE IN ME. YOU WAIT A COUPLE MONTHS THEN YOU GON' SEE. YOU WON'T FIND NOBODY BETTER THAN ME.

(this song should be my new theme song for this situation)

please listen.

thank god its the weekend.


-xo

HOPING FOR THE BEST JUST HOPING NOTHING HAPPENS. A THOUSAND CLEVER LINES UNREAD ON CLEVER NAPKINS. I WILL NEVER ASK IF YOU WON'T EVER TELL ME. I KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW YOU NEVER LOVED ME.

bullet points:

- it is taking every ounce of energy i have not to say something mean on your facebook under her comment. instead i will say it here: you are a nasty slut. i hope you get hit by a bus.... i also hope that i get the pleasure of running into all of you one night so i can throw a drink in your face and knock your fucking lights out you dirty bitch... (whew).

- i kinda feel like you do this to see how far you can push me. i wouldn't. here is why. you may push me to a point that you really can't bring me back from. this has now become a competition for me. i am sure its 1-1 now. but i plan on blowing your shit out of the water.

- i can't do this. i can't do this. i can't do this.

- i really need tomorrow to go quick. please please please.

- why do i even care anymore!!!!




i am so upset.

if mixed cd's were still cool this would be on yours:
- Ting Tings: Shut up and let me go
- All American Rejects: Gives you hell
- The Cab: One of those nights
- Taking Back Sunday: Liar
- Fall Out Boy: Grand Theft Autumn
- Taking Back Sunday: Ballad of sal villa nueva
- Boys Like Girls: Heels over head
- Fall Out Boy: Seven minutes in heaven (antavan halen)
- Fall Out Boy: My heart is the worst kind of weapon

too bad they aren't cool anymore.

cogratulations "killer"


-xo

(this won't mean a thing come tomorrow. and that's exactly how i'll make it seem, cause i'm still not sleeping, thinking i've crawled home from worse than this. so please, i'm running out of a sympathy. and i never said i'd take this lying down.)

Tomorrow:

- call guy about honda shit (taking car in next thursday).

- call sharp about letter (done).

- start math homework (also final review).

- regain self respect.

- diversity paper (finally finished).

- chemistry homework (also practice final).

- results?

- forget.

- HD study guide.


-xo

head games.

pouring salt in the fucking wound.

kicking you while you're down.

all that shit that fucking sucks more than anything else.


this is my last post for a while. i have too much other stuff going on that i need to be worrying about right now. i think i need to make like i never existed. this is what you asked for. now you get it. but feel free to come back here and take a gander at the museum. snag these pieces up. soak it all in.

good luck to you. good fucking luck.



-xo


"i keep telling myself i'm not the desperate type. i don't need you like you think i do, i don't."

it wasn't personally directed at you. honestly.
but can you understand the fact that I am going through this too? I just sorta feel like everyone lied to me when they said we could still be friends. Why should I have to be the one to call? He gets invited to everything, but I have to be opted out because of him. Him and I can be in the same room, we don't have to talk. Ask him.

I am just sad. Sad and lonely and I feel like I am being played for the fool.


I am done here for a while.



-xo

I'm pissed off the people who claimed to be my friends drop me so easy when Mark leaves. I feel bad for the next girl that they do it to. I can't trust anyone. They're all fake. I hate fucking social networking sites. They let me peek in on the shit I have been excluded from. It's stupid. It's so stupid that you all were 15 minutes from my house and didn't even call. Why should you though? You owe no loyalty to me. And maybe I should just come to terms with that already.

Why did you bother telling me all that stuff anyway? The chances that you'll ever be my boyfriend again are so slim they are barely visible (this all by your choosing, by the way). So what should I care if you are running around? I still don't understand that conversation.

I am angry. I am sad. I feel like I let myself venture 20ft away and something pulls me back in. I know I don't go back kicking and screaming... but it's still so confusing.


This is all bullshit to be honest. Pure bullshit. Everyone is going around feeling sorry for you, but I am supposed to be fucking strong and not upset at all. I am supposed to get over it, while everyone is taking you out to lunch, hugging you. Making sure you're ok and taking you to the bar. 2 people have asked me how I am doing. 2 people who are YOUR friends. Because they can't be my friends anymore. 2 people wondered how I was doing about 2 days after it happened, and now they don't give a shit. I have had to make new friends who still don't even care in order to maintain. They don't ask me about it. How easy it was for you to toss me to the street, it was 100 times easier for all of them. My feelings are hurt.



I am too angry right now.





-xo

maybe this is where I feel different.

This book is all I can think about lately.


-xo

Somedays I am moving so fast that I kind of forget anything ever happened.
Somedays, like today, I wake up with that all too familiar pain in my chest and head like it all happened yesterday.

This is what makes me wonder if I am really ok, or if I am just kidding myself. This time it feels so strange. Like I was hit by a car, but got right up and walked home after. Every now and then I wake up with that feeling that reminds me of the car that hit me, but most of the time I don't remember anything at all.

I am sad. And stuck. And unwilling to admit it. Even now I take that statement back. I want to know what you are thinking. I want to know where you stand. I know you have no answers. Maybe that is what has got me so messed up.

Please read All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome. I know you don't have it, and I don't either. But all of it made me feel like someone wrote the book for me. And I thought of you.


Ugh, I feel like I was hit by a...


oh.




-xo

I realized last night that I love making people laugh.

Also that I think I am doing ok. For the most part. I mean I'm not crying into my drink anymore when I see a couple kiss from across the room. And I am going to new places and seeing new people. Is this me though, saying, "no really, this is where I want to be..." over and over again?
This is a weird transition spot. Most of the time I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

This weekend will be low key. Sadie is turning 2 on sunday. I am prepared to field questions and criticisms about what a fuck up I must be if Mark left me again. Thanks Auntie(s)!!

Somedays I just wish a house would fall on me.



-xo